


I Don't Love You (But I Always Will)

by joyfulphoenix



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M, Mentions of Torture and Abuse, civil war spoilers, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 16:09:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7539199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joyfulphoenix/pseuds/joyfulphoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for Civil War. Canon divergence if Natasha went with Steve and Bucky after the battle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Love You (But I Always Will)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first attempt at a Buckynat fic. So far it's a one shot but if enough want more I'll write more. Enjoy!

"Natalia." Came the smooth voice that was rarely soft. She relished those sweet moments when he was gentle with her. Everywhere else they had to be swift and harsh, especially during combat. However, now as they lied secretly together, no one knowing about their secret relationship, he was nothing more than a complete gentleman...well for two soviet assassins that is. James was every bit gentle with her and though sometimes she found it slightly annoying Natalia loved it and knew it was because he was afraid. Afraid abusing her futher. When James was in control she knew he was always beating himself up what they made him do to her and the rest of the girls during training. It became a ritual of sorts. Whenever they snuck away, she'd put her hand within his metal one and instantly reassure him that the person he was during training wasn't him. He'd then kiss her forehead and tell her the same thing. It was how they both coped with what was being done to them.

He was gentle and she was slow- both things that were taken away from them while being a part of the Red Room.

"Natalia." He repeated while leaving s trail of kisses up her back, toward her neck.

"Hmmm?" She asked, snuggling closer in his arms.

He stopped at her neck. "We should go."

"Five more minutes." She replied, turning around to meet his piercing gaze.

He gave her a small smile, "You sound like my little sister." His body then tensed as his smile immediately vanished.

He was remembering.

It was rare moments like these where it was just them to away from the chaos that was their lives where it was easy to get lost in the moment. For James he often got memories of his old life. Specs and images of the man that was taken away from him. Natalia understood. Whenever she was with, she often found herself almost forgetting who she was, who the Red Room turned her into. Almost.

Natalia gave James a gentle, comforting kiss on the lips, telling him she was there if he wanted to talk about it. Sometimes he did and other times he didn't. Whenever he did, however, she'd listen intently, loving the stories he'd tell about his family and best friend Steve. They were just fragments but Natalia loved hesting them and would even tell James some after a session with the chair.

"She was the funniest person I'd ever known." James said with a a far out look on his face.

"What else do you remember?"

"Not much. Just that she loved teasing me and Steve. Steve..." His eyes widened. "He was my friend."

"Your best friend." She reminded him.

He smiled, "My best friend." James then gave her a soft kiss before saying, "He'd like you."

She slightly snorted, "I'm not sure about that but thanks for the sentiment."

She then kissed him with more fire. His lips met her with just as much passion. Their hands travelled throughout the other's body, trying to consume each other. After a while he suddenly stopped.

"What is it?" Natalia asked in full alert. She then heard faint footsteps coming from the hallway. The two immediately jumped away from each other.

But it was too late.

They had already arrived and everything went into chaos.

                     —

"Nat?"

Natasha looked up to meet Steve's expectant gaze. She immediately pushed those memories away and asked, "Yeah?"

"You okay? You seem...bothered."

She gave him a small smile, ignoring the urge to catch a glance at Bucky. "Yeah I'm fine. Just had a long few days. We all have."

"Well we're almost to Wakanda. We can rest there." He then turned to Bucky, "Are you sure you're up for this?"

Bucky rolled his eyes, "Steve we've been over this for the entire flight. I'm positive. As long as I can be controlled I'm a real threat. I don't want to harm anymore people."

"Freezing yourself again won't help either. We need to find a way to get rid of your brainwashing."

"And you can do that while I'm frozen and away from hurting anyone."

"What if I can help?" Natasha finally spoke up, folding her arms as she looked at both of the men, trying not to focus too much on Bucky.

The two men both raised their brows at her.

Steve asked, "Wait you were brainwashed too, right Nat?" She nodded. "And with the help of Clint and SHIELD you were able to overcome it. You think you can do the same for Bucky?"

Natasha could feels Bucky's eyes on her but chose to look straight at Steve. "Well Bucky's conditioning was different than mine but similar. I think what I learned can really help him." She then turned to look at Bucky, her James. "You don't have to freeze yourself again. I can help you."

"What if I hurt you?"

She smirked, "I can handle my own against you."

"I know but what if-" He stopped, shaking his head then proceeded to speak again, "You sure you can help me?"

"I'm willing to try. After all, I got help. It'll only be fitting if I did the same thing and helped you." Natasha had the urge to tell him more. That if she got a second chance then so she him. Her James. But wanting to and actually saying it were two different things to her. She wouldn't dare say it out loud, not in front of Steve.

"You don't have to. I don't want more people to be in trouble because of me."

"Well it's a little too late for that since I officially became a wanted criminal when I chose to go with you and Steve."

"She has a point Buck. I think she can really help."

Bucky was silent for a moment before saying, "Fine. But if anything goes wrong, I'm freezing myself."

Natasha nodded, "Fair enough."

                     —

It had been three days since they arrived in Wakanda. King T'Challa had been gracious enough to give them all living quarters in the palace- secretly that is. The morning after they arrived Natasha started working with Bucky, with the Steve's help. All day she didn't get a moment alone with Bucky. Which she was both grateful for and irritated by. She wanted to know if he remembered her at all, something she had yet to figure out. Which wasn't like Natasha since she was usually really good at reading people. But James- Bucky was excellent at hiding his emotions when he wanted to. She noticed how he seemed to really do so when she was around. A big part of her thought he knew just by reading him, but she wasn't a 100% sure.

Natasha needed to know but didn't want to ask him in front of Steve. She knew he'd have to find out eventually but it was something that no one, not even Clint, knew about. She wasn't sure she could talk about it to anyone but Bucky about it. However she was desperate to know so at they'd of the first day she decided to risk it.

"What exactly do you remember?" Natasha asked before Bucky and Steve could leave the training room.

The man in question turned around to catch her questioning glance. Bucky tensed as Steve didn't seem that phased by it.

"Well?" She asked expectantly, after several moments of silence.

Bucky met her gaze, eyes boring into hers, and said, "Everything."

Something in her stomach tightened. "Good." She said, trying not to show any of the emotions she was suddenly feeling. "That'll help with the training."

And it did. Bucky was able to tell Natasha everything they did to him and what meithods they used. After only three days they had excellent progress. During those three days, Natasha had yet to have a moment alone with Bucky. But after finding out that he remembered her, she was okay with it because she honestly had no idea what to say to him about that certain subject.

Steve, however, apparently had other plans.

"Bucky, you sure you'll be okay without me here?" Steve asked his best friend as they entered the training room on the morning of the fourth day.

The man in question smiled at him, putting his hand in Steve's shoulder. "I'm sure, Pal."

Natasha looked at her friend and teammate, "Going somewhere?"

"Actually yes. I have a prison break I need to execute."

She stared him, folding her arms, "You sure that's a good idea right now?"

"It's the only idea. I can't just leave our team in that prison. They're in there because of me."

Natasha sighed, "You're right. Just be careful. You won't do them any good if you end up behind bars as well."

"Natalia's got a point there, Steve. Don't mess this up Punk. We need you back here."

Steve looked at him in confusion, "Natalia?"

Bucky tensed, "Did I say that? Sorry, I meant Natasha. My Russian has been slipping out."

Natasha had to admit that his lying went really smooth. Steve however didn't seem convinced.

"No it hasn't. What's going on between you two? I've been noticing the secret glances you've both been giving each other."

Natasha tensed, "You're seeing things Steve."

"My gut tells me I'm not. Did you two know each other before?"

The two in question both became silent, not knowing exactly what to say to him. Natasha was about to say a well thought out lie but Bucky spoke first, "Fine, we did know each other before. I helped train her In the Red Room. At the time Hydra was working with the soviets. Natalia was my star pupil."

Natasha breath hitched. It was one thing of finding out he knew and it was apparently another hearing him talk about it. She wasn't sure how she felt about Steve knowing.

Steve looked at her, "Nat, how come you never told me?"

"Because you know how I don't like talking about my past. And that was a very big part of my past that no one, not even Clint, knew about. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Steve. I know how much Bucky means to you."

He sighed, "It's okay."

Steve suddenly started to look uncomfortable as he glanced at both of them. "Were you two...did you ever...were two together?"

"You mean were we ever fondueing?" Bucky responded with a small smirk.

Steve glared at him, "After all this time and you're still never going to let that down are you?"

"I told you I wouldn't. I'm keeping my promise."

"I'm assuming "fondueing" is Steve's adorable version of a euphemism?" Natasha chimed in.

The man in question blushed. Bucky slightly chuckled and put an arm around Steve, "It's okay Pal, we still love you."

"Don't change the subject, what happened with you two?"

Natasha sighed, "We were..." she paused and closed her mouth, somehow not knowing how exactly to describe how they were.

"We were involved."

"Oh. Well makes sense with the way you two have been looking at each other the past few days."

"Pfft no we haven't." Bucky said.

"Sure Buck. Sure." He looked at the two who remained silent and sighed, "Fine whatever. I have to go. Just promise to keep each other safe okay? I wouldn't bare it if anything happened to either one of you while I'm gone."

Natasha hugged him, "We will Steve. You remember to come back in on piece."

"I'll try."

She smirked.

Steve then turned to hug Bucky. "Lie low and stay safe." He then whispered, "We're talking about this later."

"Sure Steve. Sure."

Steve rolled his eyes but let out a chuckle, "Keep each other safe."

"We will." Both Bucky and Natasha said at the same time. They both shared a glance to each other before turning back to Steve.

Steve smiled before turning to walk away, leaving the two ex lovers alone.

Natasha turned to look at Bucky, "You ready to train?"

He looked to have a far off worried look in his eyes as he watched Steve leave.

Natasha fought the urge to place her hand on his arm in a comforting way and instead folded her arms while walking a couple steps closer to him. "He's going to be okay."

He didn't look at her. "You don't know that."

"You're right, I don't. But I do know Steve and I know that he's hard to kill and capture. He's stubborn like that."

"True." Bucky smiled and turned his head to meet her gaze. "You two seem to be close."

"We are. We've worked together for a few years now."

He chuckled and looked away.

She smirked, "What?"

"Nothing."

She gave him a stern look, "James." The name flew out her name before she could stop herself. "Bucky."

He looked back at her. "You can call me James."

Natasha ignored the knot forming in her stomach at his words. "You sure? I thought you wanted everyone to call you Bucky."

"You're not everyone."

The knot grew as she became caught off guard by his words.

Bucky cleared his throat and continued, "I was just thinking about how such a small world it is that my best friend and... you would become teammates."

"Yeah it is a small world."

They both became silent, studying each other.

Natasha spoke up first, "So I guess now's a good time to finally talk about the big elephant in the room since we're going to spend the next few days together."

He looked away, walking toward the gym mat. "I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet."

She pushed the hurt that formed from his words down. "I understand that, though something tells me you don't think you'll ever be ready."

He let out a small smile, "You always knew me well Natalia." He then shook his head. "Natasha. Sorry."

She smiled at him, "You can call me Natalia. After all you're not everyone either." She then walked pass him and stopped at the mat. "Now enough chit chat. Let's train."

James gave her a big smile and said in Russian, "The student becomes the teacher."

                      —

Bucky was used the nightmares. They were like a horrific constant companion, constant reminder of what Hydra made him do. What he wasn't used to, however, was the beautiful images of her. Every now and then he'd get glimpses of her amongst the many memories of his dreams. Lately, however, he had been bombarded with memories of her and her breathtakingly sharp beauty. Images of her dances amongst her fellow "classmates", her winning fights against those said classmates, him training her, and then them two secretly tangled together for no one to know. They were welcoming images compared to his usual nightly dose of horrific nightmares of the past. That was, however, until the loving memories turned into even more nightmares.

Her being ripped away from his arms. Him fighting his way to get her. Them being torn away from each other then being forced to watch each other being tortured. Him shooting at her in Odessa, not remembering her as she shot back with pleading eyes. Those same beautiful, heartbreaking eyes that always made him wake up.

Those dreams kept on haunting him every night since they ended up living just a couple of rooms away from each other. It was still hard for him to fathom that his Natalia was friends with his best friend. In the two years of him remembering who he was, Bucky also started to remember that the woman he fought at the bridge and in Odessa was his Natalia. He was remembering two of the most important people in his life who were still living, all the while they were teammates who fighting against the evil in the world. Life was funny that way.

Now here they were, hiding from 108 countries together as she tried to break his brainwashing. Words could not describe how it meant to him that Natalia was willing to be a wanted fugitive and stay to help him.

And she remembered him.

And they told Steve. Which was something that Bucky wanted but was also hesitant about since the only people who had known about them in th past tortured them both for it. But in Steve fashion he took it like a pure gentleman. And then he left Bucky and Natasha alone for a few days. Something that Bucky acted okay with but inside was sure if he was up to being alone with her for so long. Steve was a buffer but now that he was gone Bucky had to truly face his Natalia.

Words could not describe how happy he was to see how far she came, being able to overcome her Red Room conditioning and becoming an Avenger. But seeing her just reminded him of what they made him do to her, the person who made him feel human again. His nightmares didn't help either. Which was why he was standing in the kitchen in the middle of the night, eating a bowl of cereal while trying to get those images out of his head.

"Hello James."

He looked up to see Natasha entering the kitchen, decked out only in a big t-shirt. He gave her a small smile, "Natalia."

She walked over to one of the dwars and opened it, getting out a spoon of her own. "Nightmares?" She asked nonchalantly before taking a bite of his cereal.

Bucky nodded, "Memories."

She nodded knowingly, "I know how that can be. Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

Natasha then took another bite from his bowl.

"Hey." He said. "Get your own."

She let out a small pout before saying, "I will if you tell me what your nightmare was about."

Bucky let out a tiny chuckle, "Really? We're resorting to blackmail now?"

Natasha shrugged, "I'm not call one of the best spies in the world for nothing." She then took another bite.

This made him laugh. He shook his head. "Fine, I'll bite." Bucky then looked down and said softly, "My nightmare was about you and what they did to us."

He noticed Natasha tensed. "Oh."

Bucky sighed, "Told you I didn't want to talk about it."

"No." She quickly said, placing a cool hand on his bare arm. "I'm glad you told me. You need to talk about what happened to you now matter how..." she gulped, "difficult it is. At least that's what my best friend and therapist both tell me."

"Does it work?" He asked.

"Sometimes. And other times it's better to leave the past in the past."

"Is...is that what you want to do with our past? To leave it alone and forget about it?"

"No." Natasha replied instantly, making Bucky feel relieved. "I forgot it once, I never want to forget it again. Because despite how it ended, it was still the light in the darkness that was my life at the time."

Bucky smiled, "It was for me too. You helped me feel human again for the first time in years."

Natasha smiled and teased, "I bet you say that to all the girls."

He chuckled lightly, "I didn't but you're right it is a good line."

She rolled her eyes.

Bucky then looked down, suddenly feeling serious again.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

He shook his head, "Nothing."

Natasha gave him a stern look, "James."

He sighed, "Fine. It's just...hard for me to imagine myself romantically."

"Not even me?"

Bucky lifted his head up, "You're the only exception."

Natasha looked away, "I'm not the same Natalia you knew all those years ago."

"And I'm not the same James you knew."

She smirked, "Touché."

They were silent for several moments, staring at each other.

Bucky then tore away from her gaze, placing the bowl in front of her, "Here, you can have the rest." He then stood up. "I should probably go."

"James, wait."

He stopped in his tracks, turning to catch her gaze again, "Yeah?"

Natalia gave him a warm smile, "I'm glad I remember you and that you remember me too."

Bucky smiled, "Me too."


End file.
